Several months ago I had a dream about my sister that felt strangely like a premonition. I woke up with a start and relayed my dream to a close, spiritual friend. She told me to meditate on it. Well, I’m not really good at meditating. Nevertheless, the dream seemed to haunt me in my waking life. This is the dream in a nutshell:
I was headed down an unfamiliar path. All of a sudden, I saw my sister. She tried to guide me back away from the path I was walking. I felt a sense of desperation from her. I sensed she was pulling me back towards my family and an old life. For a moment, I considered it. After all, she was my sister. I loved her dearly. I could not leave her or my family. Just then, I saw a running stream with humanoid beings that were swiftly letting the current take them somewhere. I felt the beings’ sense of excitement and wonder. In an instant, I made a decision to join them. I let the current take me. Then, the scene changed. It was like I had an out-of-body experience and was seeing the entire scene from outer space. I zoned in to a particular moment; after I left, my sister stood on a dirt road with a broken down car. She looked upset, dejected, and disheveled. Then, I woke up.
Before going any further, I need to describe the relationship I have with my sister. I am older by ten years. We immigrated from South Africa to resettle in Seattle, Washington when she was only 7 months old. When she was 7-years-old, she lost a best friend to cancer. I will never forget her red face the day she and my mother picked me up from school to relay the sad news. I think that event really impacted her life and the young woman she was to become. Today, my sister and I call each other soul sisters. We both gravitate to helping others and advocating against social injustices. We are both very spiritual and believe in, what has been termed, “new age spirituality.” With so many similarities, we truly feel like the best of friends.
Given my relationship with my sister, you can imagine my shock and fear over my dream! What was my spirit trying to tell me? Well, everything became clear in the last few days. In short, I wanted to write a very raw, down-to-earth blog about me. It included an unpleasant family event used to offer context for the rest of the story. This was a type of coming-out blog for me. I was owning many things about myself that I had been fighting for sometime. It was important. When I compassionately presented a piece of my blog to my family before posting, my sister became furious with me. According to her and my family, I was dishonoring my parents by writing about this particular event It was selfish of me. From my perspective, I only showed them the portion in question, out of respect and regard for them! I did not have to do this.
It was then that I became enlightened. After a day of crying and wishing I could enter oblivion, I realized that my dream was about me standing at a crossroads. And, today marked the day that I now stood at that very crossroads. With all my love for my sister and family, could I choose to honor my truth over their fears? Would I come running back to them in the name of family loyalty or stand true to my personal integrity? The choice was killing me. I highly value my relationships. At the end of the day, however, I had to choose my personal integrity. I said it best to my husband: “I must write my authentic truth. Otherwise, I might as well be an empty shell. I might as well not write at all. Then, there really is no point in any of this. I would not be living my life’s purpose.”
Suffice to say, I informed my family that I posted my blog. I got no response back from them. My emotions are very raw today, but I do not regret my choice. My writing was suffering before this leap. It was breaking through this wall that gave me back my voice, my vision, and my self-regard. Ironically, I wrote about the very themes I’m re-experiencing today: honoring/trusting self, honoring personal truth, boundary-setting, and finding courage. At my crossroads, I will choose these things over blind loyalty – even family loyalty – any day.
ADDED NOTE: It just so happens that my husband and I are on the verge of moving to California’s Bay Area. I literally am moving down another path with intentions of pursuing a different career choice!
The post I Made My Choice at the Crossroads appeared first on Heart and Soul Ezine.