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It has been many years since there has been a pile of presents under the Christmas tree for me, but I am happy and satisfied with my haul this past Christmas, nonetheless. For the first time in more than 20 years, I was able to have my daughter visit me for Christmas and was privileged to cook her a meal (more than one). I was there to see her on Christmas morning and spend the whole day with her. I enjoyed the 24 hours that she was visiting immensely. We got to hug “hello” and “goodbye.”
Sure, she had a wrapped present from me and I had one for her, but the real gift we gave each other was spending the holiday together. It had been a long time. I cannot tell you how joyous my heart was when the realization dawned that I would actually be celebrating the holiday this year…and with HER.
The spiritual lessons were not lost on me. I understood that Christmas as an adult isn’t about me, but about loving the people around me (or, the strangers around me, for that matter). It was more about how I could make others happy, than how I could make myself happy. The result this year was that in making the effort to lift up others, I DID make myself happy…very much so.
There have been many years in the past when I had to talk myself into believing that the Christmas I was celebrating was just fine the way it was, or that it didn’t mean anything to me anymore, or I did not have the motivation to celebrate it. I was trying to convince myself that what I felt was okay – even though I was really disappointed in my Christmas.
But we all know it wasn’t truly fine deep down inside.
When an event occurs again that gives you a childlike wonder, a magic-filled moment when you are so excited you think you will burst, and you comprehend that “YES, I can love and be loved again,” that is the beauty of Christmas – it is just so exceedingly glorious. I am so grateful to be able to feel that again.
And next year? I am hopeful for a repeat, but I plan to have more decorations, more baked goods, more CHRISTMAS-Y things again because it will be fun, joyous and genuinely meaningful and not because it is somebody else’s idea of how to celebrate the season. There will be no more pretending. My happiness will be REAL.
Indeed, one of my many “Christmases with the least,” turned out to be my “Christmas with the most.” The gift I received from spirit this year was to find myself and my daughter again, and that makes it the best Christmas gift I have ever received.
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